I have developed new and/or increased anxieties since assuming responsibility for Liz. The most obvious cause is fear of what will happen to Liz if I die before she reaches responsible adulthood.

This anxiety was exacerbated when my sister died suddenly and unexpectedly last summer. My sister was to become guardian of Liz in the event of my death. When I asked her to do this she agreed but quickly added "don't die".

I have asked my 20 year old granddaughter to be become's Liz's guardian in the event of my death. She agreed; I don't feel totally comfortable with this. My discomfort is not because the 20 year old is not capable, loving or is flawed in any way that would make her an unfit parent. My discomfort is because it would not be fair to her, she deserves her own life. For her to be burdened with the responsibility of another's child, i.e., her auntie's bio daughter (Liz is actually her cousin) at a young age would cost her a great deal of freedom. In short, it would decrease the number of choices in her life.

Since my sister's death, my anxiety has increased to the point of being unbearable at times. Immediately after my sister died, I had a great deal of difficulty sleeping; it was as though I was afraid to fall asleep. I was actually sleeping every other night, I would sleep a couple of hours one night, the next night, from complete exhaustion, I would sleep 8 hours. This pattern continued for several months.

On occasion, perhaps 1 to 3 times a month, I am still not able to sleep. The "fear" of falling asleep returns. I wasn't able to sleep last night and am, of course, exhausted today.

So many lives are affected when people are irresponsible and do not fulfill their obligations. I wonder what Liz's bio parents are doing right now? I believe they are free to do whatever they choose and are not in any way burdened with concerns for Liz's future.

I've said it before but I'll say it again--Liz is worth it.