We went to the beach and shopping for school clothes today. School starts the last week of August, a few short weeks away.

Shopping with Liz is an event. What kind of event I don't know but it is an event. It always involves a small treat which she carries in the store and which I won't purchase if I don't have cooperation with the back-to-school necessities.

Exhausting. She is always anxious to complete the shopping so she can have the "treat". After about 10 times of asking "are we done yet?" she's not allowed to ask again or will lose the "treat". This is difficult for her. Some how she manages. I, also, manage to survive these shopping trips (barely).

We cannot go to more than 2 stores; the "treat" is always selected at the second store. Some sort of physical activity (like the beach) is necessary prior to shopping so Liz doesn't have too much energy.

not much to say. i'm tired. liz talks too much. took her bowling today, we went for a walk, macdonald's for lunch, her 20 year old cousin and baby cousin were over. Liz says we didn't do anything and it was boring. she needs to be outside and physically active outside for her life not to be boring and to enable her to be somewhat calm while inside the house. she craves constant activity and constant stimulation. I don't. I get tired just being around her. outdoor physical activity 3-4 hours everyday to have any calm inside our home.

The key to controlling the "rebound effect" is to not allow the child to get to that "out of control" place. This involves careful timing of medication.

If Liz takes her second dose of ritalin at 6:00 pm, she must be in bed by 9:00 pm before the effects of the medication are completely worn off. Often, Liz feels sleepy right before the medication wears off, i.e., right before the "rebound effect" will occur. If I miss this "window" of sleepy-calmness, it will take Liz up to 2 hours to fall asleep. If my timing is right, she's asleep within 1/2 hour.

Liz experiences what is known as the "rebound effect". The effectiveness of ADHD medication is short term, 4 to 8 hours, depending on the medication and the child. When the medication wears off, ADHD children often experience an increase in symptoms, also known as the "rebound effect".

This is difficult for both the child and the people around her. The child appears "out of control" and caregivers as well as other persons try, in vain, to help the child settle down. It doesn't work.

If one understands ADHD, one actually empathizes with the child. If one doesn't understand ADHD, it is likely the child is labeled as a "bad kid" or undisciplined or spoiled or all of these.

to be continued....

Liz has a couple hundred stuffed animals. I don't know how this happened. I do know that all of her stuffed animals are girls, they all have their own unique personalities and she "knows" each and every one.

Liz has an incredible memory; "recall" may be more accurate than "memory". She recalls from whom, when and where each stuffed animal came from. Over the years, I've had to dispose of maybe 2-3 of her stuffed animals because they were beyond repair or not washable; it's very traumatic.

Of course, I've tried the "get rid of it" when she's not home, she'll never miss it routine. She misses it; she looks for "specific" stuffed animals, I guess depending on her needs at any particular time.

Today, my 20 year-old granddaughter suggested to Liz that she pick out 10 stuffed animals to give to less fortunate children. I don't think this will happen but would certainly support it if it did. I stayed out of the conversation as it's a topic I've broached a few times with Liz, always with drama/trauma results.

I don't fully understand Liz's attachment to each and every stuffed animal; I do respect and accept it.

I sprinkled "magic powder" around Elizabeth's bed this evening. It keeps bad dreams away and brings happy dreams.

This magic powder, also known as dusting or talcum powder, can be purchased at the
99 cents store. It's worth the 99 cents.

I believe it is necessary for me to obtain a restraining order on Liz's bio mother, i.e., my 37 year old daughter.

Liz and I met our friends, a mom and daughter from adoption support, at the park this afternoon. It was a pleasant afternoon; our daughters, for the most part, play well together. The other mom and I have a great deal in common and talk comes easy. We also have a similar sense of humor, i.e., a bit off.

Such a pleasant, relaxed afternoon, resulting in a sense of peace and well-being. This sense of peace and well-being quickly vanished this evening following a phone call from my daughter, Liz's bio mom.

Drug use and mental illness are a frightening combination. I believe that my first obligation is to protect Liz. My daughter lacks judgement, she becomes paranoid easily and her anger turns into unbelievable rage.

I will not allow Liz to see her bio mom without me and most often not at all. I don't want Liz to witness my daughter's frightening behaviors. My daughter showed up on my door step a few nights ago and Liz happily let her in before I could intervene. This short visit was OK, not good, but OK. I allowed it to happen to avoid a disturbing scene in front of Liz. When my daughter left, she told Liz she would see her again soon.

The phone call between my daughter and I quickly turned ugly this evening. I offered to meet her at a park or MacDonald's Playland tomorrow. Neither of these choices were acceptable to her.

The conversation ended with my daughter telling me she was going to get the "authorities" involved and I would be arrested for kidnapping her child. After reporting me to the authorities, she informed me she was going to kill herself and carve my name on her chest, stating I would have to identify her body at the morgue and see the carving.

After the phone call, I called the sheriff's department; I attempted to explain the situation and gave as much information as possible regarding the phone conversation.
I explained my very real fear of my daughter hurting herself/taking her own life. I also fear that she may hurt me as her rage is unbelievable. She blames me for the lost of her daughter; she seems to have no recall of Child Protective Services taking Liz from her.

My daughter is homeless; I provided the sheriff's department with possible locations she may be. They were unable to locate her.

This is a stay up late and clean, try to catch up night. While cleaning, I do some of my best "thinking".

While vacuuming I was thinking, "just do more" because I think most of my regrets are caused by what I could have done but didn't when given an opportunity. So do more, go new places, meet new people, have new experiences both for myself and Liz. Children need new experiences (so do adults) and to limit a child's experiences results in a condition known as "lack of exposure". "Lack of exposure" results in delayed development; lack of mental/physical stimulation greatly handicaps a child. Children who are adopted over the age of one year often suffer from "lack of exposure".

I need more self-discipline (this occurred to me while mopping the floor). I need to role model self-discipline for my ADHD child. Both physically and mentally, ADHD children are "all over the place". They need structure and to learn self-discipline to allow them to function successfully. The lack of structure I have allowed to seep into our lives this summer is far from conducive to a self-disciplined life style. Simply stated, I need to do better. The imposed structure of the school year is grueling at times with Liz; getting an ADHD child up and ready for school and out the door on time is often frustrating and always exhausting. I know by the end of the school year I was exhausted from our morning battles/struggles and I couldn't wait for summer. Now, however, I have gone to the other extreme. The result is lazy, lethargic days; Liz is hyper but her energy is not directed towards any constructive, positive activity. I let it get this way over the past couple of weeks and now I need to fix it. Of course, it's much easier to not allow negative behavior to start than it is to fix it. As the parent, I need to get Liz and myself back on track. I'm not talking about extreme structure but reasonable structure resulting in positive, productive days both of us can feel good about.

I am now going to practice self-discipline and stop this babbling and finish my cleaning and get in bed.

Liz and I went to the Adoption Support Group/Movie Night this evening. While she was watching a movie and eating pizza I met with the other adoptive parents. The group is facilitated by a licensed therapist.

There are so many stories at these meetings--heart warming, heart breaking and funny. Funny story award goes to a single mother of two, she is in her fifties and adopted a sister and brother, ages 8 and 6. Her 6 year old son announced loudly at the grocery store that his sister doesn't have a penis. I guess he makes this announcement frequently, always in a loud voice, in a variety of locations. The mom takes it all in stride.

As for Liz and I, the summer is slipping away. Another month and it's back to school for Liz. At this point, it's a lazy, lethargic type summer and I fear I will regret not doing more. I desperately wanted to take Liz some place this summer, a short vacation.

I make an effort to keep Liz's life interesting and fun. I take her bowling, to the beach, swimming, to the park and to the library. I guess whatever I can think of and can afford. Is it enough--I don't know.

Childhood is short. The effects of childhood last throughout one's life.

I don't believe I really know what I'm doing raising an ADHD/Asperger's child. This doesn't bother me because I don't believe anybody else would know what they were doing either.

I have educated myself extensively on the subjects of ADHD and Asperger's and will continue to do so. I have sought and will continue to seek professional help as needed. Also, and this is important, I have a sense of humor, an absolute necessity when raising kids and more so with special needs kids. Most important is I love my child. I recognize her uniqueness and her potential.

So much of the time it feels like it's just Liz and I alone, on our own. I believe it feels this way because that's the way it is.

I scrutinize our lives, in particular, my own behaviors. Am I doing something to make it be this way, i.e., Liz and myself alone and on our own? Is it Liz's ADHD behavior and her Asperger limited social skills and my inability to help her adequately in these areas? Is it my age and lack of energy/youth? Is it my lack of financial resources? A combination of all of these?

Perhaps it feels this way for all single moms, not just grandmothers of special need kids. Perhaps, in some ways it is this way for single parents. When there are unique circumstances that sets the parent/child apart from the norm, this "aloneness" is intensified. The more unique the circumstances and the greater the quanity of differences, the greater the feeling of being alone and on one's own.

I believe there are solutions yet if financial resources are limited many of these solutions are not available. There are support groups and low/no cost recreational activities.

Unfortunately, often the solution is increased income. Single grandmothers of ADHD children often do not have either the time or energy for full time employment. These children have so many appointments and there is the cost of appropriate childcare. Also, it is a challenge to find appropriate care for a special needs child.

The sentiment towards adoptive grandparents is often "well, nobody made her do it--she knew what she was getting into". This is both true and not true. Special needs children aren't diagnosed as babies. Morally, when reunification becomes impossible with the biological parents and the baby has bonded with the relative caregiver, to throw the baby into the foster care system is wrong. These babies have been through a great deal at the youngest age. They have been through a great deal while in the womb prior to birth.

This is, by far, the most difficult and challenging job of my life. It is not respected and the pay is minimal. Still, Liz is worth it.

Celebrated Liz's birthday today, number 8. I'm exhausted, she's not. I'm too old for this. I can't make her new sticker making gadget work. It's just got to wait till tomorrow. Everything is going to have to wait till tomorrow.

I am feeling way old tonight, many aches and pains and way tired.

My life feels out of control right now. Maybe it is. Maybe I can get it under control tomorrow, there's no hope of doing so this evening.

I need to finish writing about Liz's bio brother.

For convenience I will continue to use the following: AM-adoptive mother; AD-adoptive dad; AS-adopted son; MD-my daughter.

MD apparently had contacted a private adoption agency. Based on the information they gave, she chose a very well-off Christian family. The AM and AD were in their middle forties and had one biological child, a two and a half year old boy. MD requested that the adoption be "open" as she wanted Liz to know her brother. The adoptive parents readily agreed to this; I believe they also preferred an "open" adoption.

After the necesary phone calls among the AM, the AD, MD and the adoption agency, it was arranged for the AM and the AD to pick up MD and the baby and take them to a hospital to be checked out. MD was to relinquish the baby to the AD and AM at the hospital. MD and the baby checked out OK; however, blood work on the baby was positive for crystal methedrine. As the baby was 4 days old and any drugs he had in his system at birth would have been out of his body after 3 days, this showed that MD had been using crystal methedrine and nursing the baby.

AM called me when the baby was a few weeks old; plans were made for Liz and I to go to their home for dinner. AM called me a few times before the dinner took place; during one of these calls she asked if I minded if they video taped Liz and I from the time we arrived at their home. I asked that we just keep it low key, I explained that I knew how happy they were about the baby but the other side of it, my side, was not all joy and happiness. I had not only lost my daughter to drugs but now my grandson and in spite of "open adoption", I still felt the lost. I was sad. AM also asked me, prior to meeting in person, what would happen to Liz in the event of my death. She told me she had told her husband "that's my little girl." I remember this clearly, it's not the kind of thing one forgets; AM told me her husband responded "you've got a lot of nerve."

The dinner was fine, we communicated in a comfortable manner. One statement made by the AM was "we wanted to adopt another child because we did want (their bio son) to be an only child". This was stated several times.

Following our first meeting, I, at times, felt overwhelmed by the AM. It felt like she wanted to take over Liz's and my lives. I at times felt "pushed" and even "bullied". I thought this was "my problem", i.e., that I was over reacting due to the circumstances.

The first year after we met I made a sincere effort to participate in outings and gatherings with the AD, AM and their two sons. After a year or so, I found myself making excuses to not attend these events. I always felt insulted and felt that the AM was critical of Liz. Something the AM repeatedly said to me over the past 3 plus years was "I've never met an only child I like." She would say this in reference to Liz; we would be exchanging "cute" stories about the kids and she would always put a negative spin on anything Liz had done. One example of this is when I told the AM that Liz, after watching Christmas Carolers, was invited on stage to sing Jingle Bells with them. I was rather surprised and pleased that Liz (age 4) went on stage and sang with them-I thought it showed confidence and enjoyment of the music. The AM responded "oh, yes, 'look at me, look at me'--I've never met an only child yet that I like." Liz isn't perfect but she deserves a chance and the AM wouldn't give her a chance, ever. In phone conversations, the AM would tell me how her sons were doing, then ask about Liz. Without fail, when I would start to tell her, she would say "I hate to do this, but I have to get off the phone."

When Liz did well in school and received high marks on her report card, it was only because she "attended a public school and their standards are low." Of course, AD/AM's bio son attends a private school; their AS will also attend the private school when he is school age. As she has told me repeatedly "money is not an issue".

Currently, I am unemployed. In the past, I worked parttime while liz was at school. Every phone conversation with the AM included the inquiry "are you working fulltime yet? are you looking for fulltime work?" I've never asked them for money nor would I ever accept money from them. I am a single, old mom; I do not have a husband or a nanny to help me (the AM has both). I have an extremely ADHD child. I'm trying, really, really trying to take proper care of all areas of our lives.

I once told the AM my belief about giving--that if one gives somebody something one just gives it and walks away expecting nothing in return. Otherwise, it's not really giving. She disagreed "not necessarily" and went on to explain what to me is bartering, not giving.

A few months ago the AM confronted me regarding my avoidance, lack of participation, etc. I shared my feelings with her, in particular, my feelings regarding her attitude towards Liz. She readily agreed that she doesn't like only children and stated that she knows several only children none of whom she likes.

I've decided, for the time being, to terminate contact with the adoptive family. Liz and her bio brother can choose when they are older to have/not to have a relationship. Liz has many challenges in her life that aren't optional; why choose another challenge that contains so much negativity?

I could write so much more about the AM and AD. It's, I believe, more productive to focus on Liz and the many challenges in our lives.

just a quick note. poverty sucks. especially my own. it's so hard to raise a child without money. adhd, asperger's and no money. i must be an idiot for even attempting this.

Liz was four when her brother was born. I knew my daughter was pregnant; I had no idea of what her plans were regarding the baby.

For convenience, I will use the following initials: AM-adoptive mother; AD-adoptive dad; AS-adopted son; MD-my daughter (biological mother).

I feel anxiety writing this. I want to be factual, not emotional.

I didn't see MD while she was pregnant with her son. She did, however, call me off and on throughout the pregnancy. She had no plans, realistic or otherwise, for this baby. It was apparent she hadn't seen a doctor. She was living with her new boyfriend (not the father of the baby) in a detached room at his parents home. This room had electricity but no water and was used for storage in the past. The new boyfriend also used drugs.

I informed Child Protective Services of MD's pregnancy. CPS put a "hospital hold" on the unborn child, i.e., if MD gave birth in an area hospital the baby wouldn't be "released" from the hospital until appropriate tests, investigation, etc. were complete. The worker at CPS I spoke with was Liz's worker, I had known her since Liz was taken from MD at the age of 7 months. I trust her and can talk with her openly and candidly. I told her that I didn't want to know when the baby was born, whether it was a boy or girl or anything pertaining to the baby. I could not risk becoming attached or feeling protective; physically and financially I could not take another child. She told me that CPS woud have to ask me to take the baby because I have the biological sister and am the maternal grandmother. I reiterated that physically and financially it wasn't feasible, it would not be fair to Liz or the baby.

I think I need to state that MD has had numerous abortions. I believe it had become a form of birth control for her. Other people paid for these abortions; it is likely her son would not have been born if any person had been willing to pay for another abortion.

MD gave bith to her son in the detached room at the new boyfriend's parents home. The parents of the boyfriend had no idea of what had taken place and were never aware that there was a baby in the detached room. She kept the baby for four days and then because of no money for diapers/formula she contacted the prospective adoptive parents. She chose the adoptive parents based on a profile they had written about themselves.

I will continue this later. It's difficult, gives me a headache but there is more to tell.

Liz has two imaginary brothers, Link from Nintendo DS and Harry Potter. Link and Harry seem to be rather mischievous. They pick on Liz and tease her. She tells on them. According to Liz, they are also responsible for many of the messes in our home. Poor Liz, she has to clean up after her brothers.

Liz also has a biological brother four years younger than herself. He was adopted by a very well-off couple who reside in an extremely affluent area of Southern California. The story of her brother and his adoptive family is long and complicated. I need to write it carefully, honestly.

I will begin the story of Liz's bio brother tomorrow. It's difficult for me to write about it and important to me that I relate it factually. I'm just too tired tonight to think straight.

"First this, then that." These words are out of mouth several times a day. It seems that too many "rules" lead to confusion, for both Liz and myself. So, I try to keep it simple. First, you eat, brush teeth, dress, etc. then you go outside. First, you eat healthy food then dessert. First, homework then a movie or nintendo.

I like this rule because it's reality, e.g., first I work then I get paid. It's the way the real world works (or maybe it's the way the real world should work). I must remind myself if I have a "this" I also need a "that".

"Make a wise choice"; this simple statement says it all. Liz, I know, is sick of hearing it. Unwise choices result in lost of privileges. "I need cooperation. If you cooperate we will go bowling tomorrow. If not, we won't. Make a wise choice." Choices have consequences, I want Liz to know this.

I was standing at the sink doing dishes this afternoon. Liz came up and hugged me, then asked if I would work a puzzle with her. I said yes, left the dishes and we worked a puzzle together. I am so, so sure I made a wise choice.

It's 3:00 pm and I've yet to accomplish a thing this day. Possible causes: it's too hot; I don't know where to start; Liz is playing outside and keeps knocking on the back door; I'm lazy; I'm nuts; I'm ADHD; all of these and more.

It's 10:00 pm now and my major accomplishment today was to make a "real" dinner. By this I mean I didn't do frozen mac 'n cheese or pre-cooked chicken strips. I actually cooked--steak and "real" mashed potatoes. That's right, I peeled the potatoes, cut them up, cooked them and mashed them!

Now, if you have an extremely ADHD child, are a grandmother and are raising the child alone I believe you will understand why I consider this a notable accomplishment.

I have a vague memory of actually enjoying cooking, taking care of my home and working in the yard. Of course, this was pre-Liz. I felt good about these every day, ordinary accomplishments. Now, it's a different life, a different world. I am interrupted constantly; sometimes it's difficult to put a thought together that makes sense; there are so many Liz appointments/activities. Most of all there is Liz, herself.

My decision to adopt Liz was the right decision and is still right. I think I just get tired.......

I have developed new and/or increased anxieties since assuming responsibility for Liz. The most obvious cause is fear of what will happen to Liz if I die before she reaches responsible adulthood.

This anxiety was exacerbated when my sister died suddenly and unexpectedly last summer. My sister was to become guardian of Liz in the event of my death. When I asked her to do this she agreed but quickly added "don't die".

I have asked my 20 year old granddaughter to be become's Liz's guardian in the event of my death. She agreed; I don't feel totally comfortable with this. My discomfort is not because the 20 year old is not capable, loving or is flawed in any way that would make her an unfit parent. My discomfort is because it would not be fair to her, she deserves her own life. For her to be burdened with the responsibility of another's child, i.e., her auntie's bio daughter (Liz is actually her cousin) at a young age would cost her a great deal of freedom. In short, it would decrease the number of choices in her life.

Since my sister's death, my anxiety has increased to the point of being unbearable at times. Immediately after my sister died, I had a great deal of difficulty sleeping; it was as though I was afraid to fall asleep. I was actually sleeping every other night, I would sleep a couple of hours one night, the next night, from complete exhaustion, I would sleep 8 hours. This pattern continued for several months.

On occasion, perhaps 1 to 3 times a month, I am still not able to sleep. The "fear" of falling asleep returns. I wasn't able to sleep last night and am, of course, exhausted today.

So many lives are affected when people are irresponsible and do not fulfill their obligations. I wonder what Liz's bio parents are doing right now? I believe they are free to do whatever they choose and are not in any way burdened with concerns for Liz's future.

I've said it before but I'll say it again--Liz is worth it.

Liz told me a secret earlier this evening. We were in the car, coming home from a potluck dinner. Liz said "The secret thing about me is I care about people's feelings." She went on to explain that she could tell me but not others. Perhaps she feels that if others know she will be more vulnerable?

It is difficult to explain to an almost 8 year old that often other people are unkind to others because they feel bad about themselves. I did try to explain but I don't believe I had significant success. I believe this type concept must be revisited repeatedly and approached in a variety of ways.

I'm proud of Liz for caring about people's feelings and I told her so. Is it wise to not allow people to know how much you care? Maybe it is wise with some people in a practical, real life way. My spiritual answer would be no, let's care about one and other openly, joyfully and make the world a better place.

Of course, I struggle daily with how to communicate this type information to Liz. I believe the most effective form of communication is to role model the behaviors one is attempting to communicate. "Words" and "talk" fall short almost always.

I truly don't believe that a person can ever be happy/content/joyful if he/she does not care about others.

Liz is always pretending to be something; an animal, a pokemon, a mythical creature, etc. Of course, I have to participate and also be a creature. I'm the bird's mom or the cat's new owner or the Pokemon's trainer. This can be exhausting. I sometimes ask "can't we just be us?" I guess not.

I always mess up when I'm one of Liz's imaginary creatures. I don't get the sounds right or forget the name of the Pokemon or something. This makes me tired. It frustrates Liz.

Of course I've tried to use this imaginary play to my advantage. One evening we were Pokemons and I told the baby Pokemon "OK, baby pokemon, your mommy Pokemon wants you to get in bed. Baby Pokemons need plenty of sleep to be healthy and grow." My baby Pokemon-Liz promptly replied "I'm a nocturnal Pokemon."

"I don't know how you do it." I've heard those words more times than I can count. The truth is, I don't know how I do it.

One person even said to me, "You make it look easy." I just looked at her. I wanted to scream "it's anything but easy". It's the hardest thing I've ever done and she's only eight and what am I going to do when she's a teenager and I'm always exhausted and I get headaches and it's so, so hard to stay sane and not lose it. Furthermore, you people are seeing Liz when she's had her medication and you think she's hyper and wild then, what the hell do you think she's like before she's had the medication and when it wears off?

I've been told, and I do believe, God doesn't give us more than we can deal with. I do sometimes think He may be pushing it with me.

I pray. I attend an adoption support group. I plan things for Liz to do everyday, at least one activity out of the house. We go to therapy. My beautiful, fantastic 20 year old granddaughter is a great help with Liz--she usually does something with her once a week and above all, she loves Liz.

People do what they have to do when something is important ; we figure it out, we find creative solutions. Of course, we make mistakes and that's OK. We tell our kids we made a mistake and we remedy it. When we lose it, we take a time out and then apologize. Above all, we love our kids and we never give up on them.

I love you so much, Liz. You are so worth it.

I start many things. I finish few. I'm talking about basics-like dishes, folding a load of laundry, etc. I don't have a recent memory of the kitchen sink being totally void of dirty dishes. I may get half a load of laundry folded before I'm summoned by Liz due to some all important matter. It is not unusual for half of my kitchen floor to be mopped while the other half is quite dirty. The vacuum is often left out because I never quite get the whole room vacuumed. This has become a way of life. It makes me crazy. Yet, regardless of how hard I try, I have not been able to find a remedy.

I wonder if ADHD is contagious? I feel like popcorn, popping all over the place.

I whine, bitch and complain. So what. I would not give up the experience of raising Liz for anything. I love this child, she is worth it and I am her mom. She is my daughter. I will never, ever have this chance again.

Once upon a time my house was clean, orderly--not perfect but not embarrassing. I forget what it's like to be organized, uncluttered, everything clean or at least semi-clean. Liz is my priority now, she has to come first. Yet I don't understand why I can't maintain a clean and orderly home. One very ADHD child and chaos is the result. It seems that clean and somewhat orderly should be attainable. I'm 58 years old, I need some order in my life, my home. I think when I was a young mom a little chaos didn't bother me. My 2 adult daughters are 37 and 38 now, a year a part. In my twenties with 2 very active (but not ADHD) girls I don't believe my home was this cluttered, unorganized. Liz has many appointments, psychiatrist, therapist, opthamalogist (she has nystagmus, a condition where the eyes can't hold still), medical, dental and so forth. It also seems necessary to plan a lot of activities with her--outings, bowling, swimming, library, etc. One does not want to stay home all day with an ADHD child, it just doesn't work, for either of us.

Maybe one night each week I stay up till 2:00-3:00 am trying to catch up. It doesn't work but maybe it keeps things from getting further out of control. I cannot have "unhealthy" dirt. I think an only child ADHD kid might be more work than if she had siblings. I'm not sure. I am sure that Liz is the last child I'm raising thus she is and will remain an only child.

Liz will be 8 in about week. I don't understand why it is more difficult now to maintain a decent living environment than it was when she was a baby/toddler. Of course, there are many things I don't understand and I simply don't have the time/energy to figure them out.

This is my night to stay up and try to catch up on the house. Of course, tomorrow I'll be more exhausted than usual but I have no solution. So, I will sign off and get busy cleaning.

Exhaustion is a way of life now. Of course, all (or most all) children have more energy than adults. An extremely ADHD child, with the emphasis on the hyperactivity, is beyond description. On her head, walking on all fours (she can actually walk, not crawl, but walk on her hands and feet; I tried it and not only was it near impossible it was exhausting), scaling everything in sight, jumping, leaping from one piece of furniture to the next, shimmying up anything available, etc. Liz has a need to touch everything; she can talk non-stop for God knows how long. Once, my then 18 year old granddaughter, begged "Make her stop, Nana." I replied "I can't." When asked to take a break from the chatter, Liz talks for at least 20 minutes straight about how she is not going to talk. When this happens, first I want to cry, then it becomes funny, then hysterical in a somewhat insane way.

I'm 58 years old--not a spring chicken. People use to believe I was exaggerating about Liz's ADHD--they thought I was just too old to stay up with her. Then they would spend a half an hour with her; "you're right--she's hyper." I've heard this so many times, from family members, preschool teachers, friends, neighbors, etc. Hell, yes, I'm right--did they think I was making it up?

Asperger's syndrome is the social side of autism. It affects social skills, relationships. Einstein had it. So did Newton. So does Liz.

To see one's child try so hard to bond with her peers and not be able to is painful. Liz is a loving and sensitive child. She doesn't get "cliques". She wants to be kind and loving to everybody and childishly expects reciprocation. She is different; the combination of ADHD and Asperger's doesn't allow her to "fit in".

"lonely" "teased" "picked on"

It's a long way to adulthood from 8 years old. It is possible to turn what are viewed as disabilities into strengths as an adult. First, one must survive childhood.

Kindness. Respect. Tolerance.

Our children deserve the best world possible. All change starts at the individual level. Can we please be kind, respectful and tolerant of one and other.

I was terrified to give Liz ADHD medication. I didn't allow her to start school (kindergarten) intill she was 6 years old; I was hoping the extra year would give her time to "settle down" a bit, develop social skills, etc. Didn't happen.

Shortly before Liz's 6th birthday she was prescribed a small dose of ADHD medication. It worked; it was obvious the dose needed increased but it was also obvious the medication allowed her to calm herself and to focus. Did I mention that her doctor said that on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most ADHD she was at least a 12?

I did not want my child on drugs. I was concerned with the side effects; I believed if I could be a better parent she wouldn't need medication. I was wrong. The medication has helped me to be a better parent--Liz can "hear" me now; before, she was in another universe. She cannot only focus on her school work, she excels in academics. She is more reasonable, better able to comprehend consequences (positive as well as negative) of her actions. She has developed appropriate "inhibitions", i.e., inhibitions that allow her to "look before she jumps"; she is safer now as she is more appropriately cautious.

ADHD medication is not a "cure all"; it is one of many tools that may be helpful for an ADHD child. We also participate in therapy, behavior modification, parenting classes, developmental programs, brain exercises and anything else that may be beneficial. The medication increases the chances of the other therapies, techniques, etc. succeeding.

I didn't want my child to "need" medication. It wasn't about me; it had nothing to do with what I wanted. It was and continues to be about what my child needs to grow to healthy, happy, responsible and productive adulthood.

Liz asked a few days ago if I new that Michael Jackson died. "yes." "why?" "his heart stopped working." "why?" "I don't know." I wanted to say that Michael's dad hurt Michael's heart so badly while he was a child that he never recovered. I didn't say this yet I do believe it to be true.

I have experienced anger, sometimes rage, towards Liz's bio parents. But I don't want Liz's heart damaged. I believe God gave her to me and I just don't mess with God. When I believe He wants me to do something I try. This isn't what I planned but it seems this is what God planned for me. OK.

Liz is a twin. Her twin sister lived only two days and her death was due to medical negligence. There was a lawsuit; it was settled out of court. Liz's parents spent the thousands of dollars on drugs. These are facts, honest, simple facts. I need to stick to the "facts" right now. Facts are simple, painful emotions complicated.

A few months ago Liz wanted to watch South Park. I told her it was against the law and that the police would arrest me if I allowed her to watch it.

The next day, when I picked her up from school, I told her the police had stopped by to be sure I was not allowing a 7 year old to watch inappropriate TV programs. She, I think, believed me as it has not been an issue since "the police stopped by".

I think that the creative "stories" (lies) I make up help keep me sane.

I also believe it should be against the law to allow our children to watch South Park, Family Guy, etc.

I'm a single grandmother; I adopted my granddaughter, she'll turn 8 this month and I've had her since she was a baby. Actually, I'm a single mom/nana. Mom/nana because she calls me both, I answer to both.

Her biological mom, my daughter, used drugs throughout the pregnancy, mainly crystal methedrine. Liz, my daughter/grandaughter, was, of course, harmed by the drug use. Her biological father is also a drug addict. I usually refer to him as the "sperm donor"; while my daughter truly tried to stay sober and truly loved this baby and still has a heart/soul/spirit the biological father is empty, totally empty inside--nothing there. Liz does not have contact with either as they have repeatedly "stood her up" in the past. Over and over. The "sperm donor" would simply state "I forgot". The bio mom has extreme mental health problems due to the long term use of crystal methedrine; she becomes extremely paranoid/psychotic.

I'm 58 years old, single, not well off financially and tired. I've always described myself as an "old hippie" (but without the drug use). When taken from my daughter by Child Protective Services Liz was 7 months old. She was taken to Polinsky Center for Children on a Friday and I couldn't get her till Monday. I spent the whole weekend visiting her; I cried the entire weekend. My daughter was taken to jail for probation violation (dirty drug tests). Who knows where the sperm donor was.

The rest is history. My daughter did not get it together so she could have her baby back; I naively thought she would. I became Liz's mom; one does not allow an innocent child to bond with one's self and then abandon her.

My sweet Liz is ADHD. The child psychiatrist stated on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most ADHD, she is at least a 12. She is borderline Asperger's. She is also smart, creative and extremely loving. She is wonderful and precious.

I have so much to share about single grandparent/motherhood. Liz has taught me so much, I know all about Pokemons and how to play Nintendo DS and other more important stuff (of course, Pokemons and Nintendo are also important).

A year or so ago, while getting ready for school, I told Liz to put clean underwear on. That evening, when getting undressed for her bath, I noticed she had 2 pairs of underwear on. She had put the clean ones on over the dirty ones. I have learned to be very clear when giving instructions.

Now, I am very tired and must get sleep. My Liz needs a mom who is rested and ready to go.